We’ve been engaged for almost a year now and our impending nuptials are 79 days away. And in these past few weeks, I’ve just begun to embrace the emotional rollercoaster I am on. Everyone says that this is supposed to be “the happiest time of your life”. And parts of it has been. Other times….yea right,not so much… I have felt alone, irritable, easily offended. I have had thoughts that ranged from “This will be the most beautiful time in our lives for each other!” to “I just can’t wait to get this wedding over with so I can go back to living life.”
So today, I googled “emotions of being engaged” and there were lots of sites to provide insight and support. What I’m going through is normal and is all about change….hmmm…change? Yep I get it. But I usually embrace change wholeheartedly. But in reading further…it made more sense. The identity that I had created for 37 years is now becoming something different. Sure I’m just adding a new name, and a new title to my list…but why is that causing anxiety for me???! Now mind you, before I go further, this does not reflect on my love and commitment to my fiance’. I love him more and more every day and know that I do want to marry.
This is just about the transitioning into this new name and title….a new identity. When I approach things in my life, it is usually with zeal…this is no different. I guess that I just want to make sure that “I don’t mess up” but the vow I took with myself is that I will only do this once! So no divorcing for me. I’m a child of divorce and understand the impact it has on the entire family. But besides that, I want to be a good wife and a great one before I die! 🙂 This I’ve never done before and know that I will learn it as we go…but wow…it will be the most important part of my identity that I will become. I’ve learned how to survive Singledom with all of its ups,downs, and craziness. So I’m sure that I will learn, very well, how to be a wife. Just hope that my fiance’ knows that it will come with time. I also hope to remember that he will be the same way as my husband. We are going to need lots of prayers, patience, understanding, love and humor!!
However, my anxiety has never been this heightened before…I find myself with fears, doubts, tears, disappointments, and melt downs. Who is this woman? And where is my happiest time of my life?? I know that I will find it on the beaches of Jamaica as soon as I say I do…until then…I’m in transition…